On a dark surburban street, HANK sits behind the wheel of an unmarked car with WALT in the passenger seat, both of them looking tense. They are parked outside of a house with several cardboard boxes on the porch.
WALT
You
can’t be serious.
HANK
Oh
I am, Walt.
WALT
This
place is a dump. You can’t expect me to -
HANK
You’re
not 'Heisenberg' anymore. You won't even be
'Walt' for much longer, so just
shut up.
WALT
You're just jealous, Hank. Jealous because
my hair grows back.
A moving van pulls up in front of a house, and two teenage boys emerge from the house to unload boxes.
WALT
You
know, Hank, I could make you very comfortable.
You don’t have to
do this.
HANK
Oh
but I do have to do this. It just so happens
that I want to, too.
FLASHBACK
INT. HANK'S OFFICE
HANK rests his hands on his fists, pensively looking at WALT who sits opposite him, with the copy of Leaves of Grass sitting in front of him.
HANK
Boy,
I gotta admit, you had me fooled for a long
time, Walt. (He leans back in his chair)
All those
times I thought I knew you.
WALT
You
should have looked closer, Hank.
HANK
Right
under my god damn nose. You know, if this
was anything else, I’d
be impressed. But this is
my turf, Walt, and you know I can’t just
leave this
alone, not something this huge. I’m obligated to bring
you in.
WALT
(leaning closer to HANK)
You
know, I think some people would find it hard
to believe that you had
no idea what I was up to. I
think they’d find it hard to
understand how a DEA
official could have no idea that his brother in
law
was running the largest crystal meth empire
in America. I don’t
think you realise that this
doesn’t bode well for you either.
Hank
sighs, stands and walks to the window.
HANK
You’re
right, Walt. You’re absolutely right.
I know that if I turn you
in for this you could
implicate me, but on the other hand I can’t
just
let you walk away from this. Not scot-free, anyway.
WALT
What
do you mean by that?
HANK
I mean that I’m
not prepared to risk my career,
everything I’ve worked for, just to
bring you down.
You’re not worth it. After all, don’t forget,
I
know that at heart you’re just a bum.
(smiles)
You think I don’t
watch Diagnosis Murder?
WALT
(agitated)
That
was years ago, that was the nineties, everyone
did Diagnosis
Murder…
HANK
Not
me, Walt. All I got was Charmed, and JAG
(slams his fist against wall)
JAG, GOD DAMMIT!
WALT
What
do you want from me, Hank?
HANK
I’ve
made arrangements. You’ll need to pack up
some of your clothes and
be ready for midnight.
We can’t risk doing this move in the day,
so be ready for when I come to get you tonight.
WALT
Move? What move?
HANK
Witness protection, Walt. You have no other options.
Walt starts toward Hank, but instead despondently turns to
leave.
HANK
Oh and Walt?
Walt turns back to face him.
HANK
Don’t
bother trying to run. I’ve got Jessica
Fletcher’s number - and
she always finds what she’s
looking for, and it's usually a corpse.
You of all people should
know that.
Walt
leaves. The camera pans over to Hank’s computer, which has freeze
frame shots from Murder She Wrote and Diagnosis Murder open, featuring Bryan Cranston. I mean, uh, WALT.
PRESENT TIME
An irate, tall brunette woman knocks on the car window.
BRUNETTE
Hey!
HEY! You can’t park here, this
is a residence -
HANK
One
second, ma’am. (To Walt)
Whaddaya think of her?
WALT
Her?
She’s alright, I guess. But you know
I’m not interested, right?
HANK
Yeah
I know, alright. You’re not going to
ever move on from Skylar, you
don’t want to find
anyone else, blah blah blah.
WALT
What
do you mean, blah blah blah?
I’m serious, Hank.
HANK
Just
like you were serious all those times
when I confided in you, when we
sat together at
meals as a family? (leaning in to WALT)
When you visited me in the
hospital? That’s what
I thought. Get out of the car.
Hank
slams the car door, getting his coat caught up in it. As he struggles
to free it, a man in a crisp suit is led from the house toward the
van across the road in handcuffs.
WALT
Who’s
that guy?
HANK
Oh,
that’s your ‘son’.
WALT
My
what?
HANK
Your
son, his name's Francis. Used to be Barney.
(He manages to free his coat)
He’s been sent into witness protection after
New York’s entire female population filed simultaneous
sexual
harassment claims, all on the same
afternoon.
WALT
Are
you… are you sure that’s him, and not just
someone who kind of
looks like him?
HANK
I…uh…
budget constraints, ya know
WALT
Right.
Well, what’s he doing here anyway?
HANK
Well,
the cost of the trials would have
bankrupted the city of New York, so
this was
a cheaper solution.
WALT
He’s
just going to get away with it, then,
a sex-offender? A REPEAT
sex-offender?
HANK
Nope.
He’s off to military school.
(He smirks) No women, no freedom, and a cadet
uniform
so far removed from his beloved designers suits,
it should drive him crazy in a matter of hours.
WALT
Jeez,
Hank.
HANK
Hey,
he’s the monster here, not me. The best part
is he’s your son.
WALT
He…
he’s what?
HANK
Well,
ya know, not biologically of course. But for
the purposes of Witness
Protection, we’ve gotta
have somewhere to put him once he’s done
his
time in military school, so he’s going to be
your oldest son.
WALT
I
told you, Hank! I didn’t want a new family.
If you’re going to take
me away from my real
family, I don’t want to be put with another.
HANK
And
I told YOU, Walt, that you don’t get to choose
anymore. You’re
not Heisenberg now.
(He places a hand on WALT's shoulder)
You
don’t have to live with him for the most part.
But there’s the
other three you’ll have to put
up with…
WALT
Other
three?
Hanks
nods in the direction of the two boys who had been unloaded moving
boxes. They are now engaged in a fist fight while a smaller, younger, big-eared boy is setting fire to the plants on the front lawn.
WALT
We
should stop that kid!
HANK
‘We’?
He’s your son, Walt.
WALT
Him too? God dammit, Hank.
HANK
All
three of them are, and you see her, there?
(he points at the woman
who is storming back to the car)
That’s your new wife. You can call her Lois.
WALT
Oh
god… why’s she in protection?
HANK
She’s
done a few things, here and there.
Frasier, Law and Order, Party of
Five. To be honest,
this is just another gig for her.
WALT
Gig?
HANK
Uh…
never mind.
LOIS
Hey,
come in if you’re coming in, don’t just sit
there letting the
kids do all the work.
They
walk toward the house.
WALT
(looking helplessly at Hank)
Don’t
do this to me, Hank. I'll have a breakdown
here, I just know it.
HANK
You’ll
see, Walt. This is for your own good.
Solemnly
he walks to the door.
WALT
I
guess you think I should be thanking you, Hank.
HANK
Thank me by never, ever trying to contact anyone
of us, ever.
Walt
clenches his fists. Hank starts to walk toward the car but turns one
last time.
HANK
Oh
yeah and uh, make sure you read through
your profile pack.
WALT removes a book from the inside pocket of his jacket.
HANK
Get to
grips with your new identity.
WALT
I
thought you said we’d discuss the name, you
said we’d talk about
the new career -
HANK
Yeah
well, I changed my mind. don’t screw things up
this time, buddy.
He turns round and walks
away toward the car without turning back. Hank
stands there, leafing through the pages.
WALT
Son
of a… (shouts after Hank)
Are you kidding me with this? I’m ‘Henry’?
You
named me after yourself?
HANK
Hey,
you don’t have to go by ‘Henry’.
(He turns and smiles)
You could go by Hank. Or, I
don’t know, there are
other versions you could use...
(shrugs his shoulders)
How about Hal?